The Post-Soviet Chronicles Part 4: Almaty, Kazakhstan

After a short stint, we return to the post-soviet chronicles and review Almaty, Kazakhstan.

Previous editions can be found here, here, and here.

Pronunciation

Good luck. No, but seriously... the English pronunciation is super easy and it's said exactly as it looks (Al-mot-e). Unfortunately for us, no one seems to understand when you say Almaty in the English pronunciation. They simply look at you oddly and wonder what you could be possibly talking about. So here are the variants on pronunciation I encountered there and in Tajikistan:

Kazakhs pronouncing it in Kazakh: Almatiye (Al-mot-e-a)

Russians pronouncing it in Russian: Almat?? (Al-mot-*choke on your tongue*) 

Some Tajiks pronouncing it in Russian: Almato (Al-mot-o)

Strange how one city's name could be pronounced so many different ways. Or not pronounced. Or whatever.

So, like, Almaty is... where again?

It's Almaty-- and then some! (Click to enlarge)

Is 4 meters enough?

My quest of late has been trying to become a real person in life. The list is long, and surprisingly more difficult than you'd imagine, especially when you're living la vida broke. I wanted to share with you the recent things I've accomplished (no small victories, I assure you) and some of those goals still on my list.

Recent Successes 

1) Bought a shower curtain. I guess this is technically a "kind of" success. I should start by saying that there are a number of bazaars in the city and a number of them way the heck outside the city. Well I did not find a shower curtain at the bazaar five minutes from my house, nor at the bazaar five minutes from my work. This meant that I had to go to one of the dreaded bazaars way outside the city. Horrible. So I finally managed to get to one and I found shower curtains. 

I remember arguing with myself beforehand and saying "you should measure, just so you make sure you don't get something too short." But that entailed a whole other issue-- what the heck was I going to measure with?! So I gauged it up and the salesmen at the bazaar proceeded to tell me that this shower curtain bar (you know the thing that holds up the curtain) goes up to 4 meters! Okay. Sure. Sounds like enough to me. 

Except it wasn't. Or rather it was too much. Turns out my shower must be incredibly undersized because I had up beat the bar into place with my fancy tool (the "hand hammer") and even now it's slightly askew and immovable one way or the other. 

At least now I'm not spraying water all over the bathroom when I shower...?

Livin' La Vida Broke

I figure I need to get this blog post out before my bank account has something more than $4 in it (thanks mom!) so I wanted to dedicate this post to livin' the broke life in Dushanbe (which has been my last week or so).

1) Mumkin ast? (Is it possible) This is what you will find yourself asking while simultaneously apologizing as you hand your poor marshrutka driver thirty 10-diram (think cents) coins. 

2) Take your bubblegum and put it where... err. Common practice in Tajik stores (and I mean little family shops, medium sized stores, and chain supermarkets) is to give bubblegum sticks or teabags as change. So for example if  my bill is 4 somoni and 70 diram, giving a 5 somoni bill will result in a stuck of bubblegum for change. Needless to say, I've had to pester the cashiers at a few stores for my dirams instead of bubblegum.

3) Hey bacha, diram te! (Hey kid, give me my diram!) As previously discussed, all buses in Dushanbe are equipped with a small Tajik boy (#8 in the 'Getting Around...' section). The price for buses is technically 60 diram, but everyone pays 1 somoni usually. You can usually get your 40 diram from the bus-bacha if you tell him to give it you though.

No water, no problem

Believe it or not, there are benefits to having no water and not being able to shower.

1) Perfection of the "fix your hair with your spit" method. Sorry ladies, you're SOL on this one. 

2) If you smell bad, don't worry too much. Everyone else is going through the same thing in the city, and it's an unspoken acceptance. Sitting in a marshrutka and you can visibly see people's discomfort from your bodily odor? They just nod; they know what's up.

'Live Tweeting' a Day in the Dush

After discussing with some friends (Joe and Eric- whose blogs are conveniently located on the right), I came up with an idea to "live tweet" a day in the life in Dushanbe. Accordingly I went through my day and recorded a few things that happen (and that happen regularly). For those of my readers who aren't familiar with twitter (grandma, I'm talking about you) I recommend reading up on the basics.

Anyways, the live tweeting includes time stamps and all tweets are within the 140 character limit. Those of you that follow me on twitter as well may recognize a few of these tweets. Enjoy! :)

Oh yeah also you should know what Candy Crush is.

6:50am

Nothing like waking up to the sound's of your family's pet prehistoric-bird. Seriously; pterodactyl + chicken = this thing 

7:00am

Bathroom time in the US: >5 minutes

Bathroom time in Tajikistan: <5 minutes

#OneOfThoseDays #JKEveryday

7:05am

WATER PRESSURE WOULD BE GREAT. #ItsLikeALightDrizzle

7:34am

Rapid succession police sirens down Rudaki Ave. No worries, just the taxi driving gang with their after-market [legal] sirens #GoodMorning

7:40am

Twenty minutes for breakfast AKA twenty minutes spent waiting for my tea to cool down #Sweatin

8:00am

All I can think while brushing my teeth is "don't swallow the water, don't swallow the water" #SickForDays

8:10am

Why does this one stretch of my daily walk ALWAYS smell like feces? #HoldinMyNose

8:11am

The crosswalk which gives me a green light to cross for 10 seconds and no one stops #DeadmanWalkin

8:23am

The daily struggle to ask for water WITHOUT gas continues 

8:30am

The hottest classroom (with air conditioning) award goes to... #Drumroll

8:30am

MY CLASSROOM. I get to sit in this stagnant room for the next four hours and SWEAT

8:35am

Already soaked. #SexyAndIKnowIt

9:20am

Break! Candy Crush time.

9:23am

I have a ten minute break and my teacher keeps talking to me <<<<<<<

#LeaveMeBe #BrainBreakRequired

9:30am

Now that the "break" has concluded... on to some story I absolutely do not understand. 

10:00am

Legitimately think that story is in a language other than Persian #TryAgainProfessor 

10:19am

Breakkkkkkkk. Going to the "Wild Dragon Shack" for a bag of chips and a snickers... All for a dollar. 

10:31am

Sorry prof, don't mind while I just sit here and chomp on my chips super loudly #NomNom

11:04am

Tajik is seriously like another language. It is NOT Iranian Farsi lol #CyrillicBeLikeHuh

11:21am

So hungry. Need food. One more hour.

11:28am

FINALLY BEAT THIS LEVEL ON CANDY CRUSH #CandyCrushinForDays

11:49am

When you're sitting in class talking about how to say all kinds of fruits in Tajik AND YOU'RE STARVING #ThatStuffIDontLike

12:20pm

Lunchhhhhhh nowwwwww.

12:21pm 

And so commences the daily debate: sketchy (and cheap) Russian cafe or the Iranian restaurant. 

12:27pm

Justice prevails! Onward to the tasty Iranian food (Paniz).

12:37pm

Waiting for the bus means telling 27 mashrutkas that you're waiting for the bus #TheHustle

12:43pm

We're on the bus with the air freshener! If only there was more than one and it wasn't 110 out... #StinkSession

12:50pm

Paniz! Paniz! Paniz! 

12:51pm

Tajik waitresses that don't speak Iranian Farsi at the Iranian restaurant #RiddleMeThat 

1:10pm

Stuffed. God I love Iranian food.

1:12pm

We always say we want to "do something" but then we walk outside and we're like... Lets go to the place with air conditioning #TajikProblems

1:15pm

REVISION: we have decided to go to the bazaar.

1:17pm 

We put our hand out on the side of the road and every single car pulled over and tried to pick us up. #MashrutkaTime

1:36pm

How many people do you think the driver is going to pick up?

1:45pm

Answer: 19. 19 people. In a van. No air conditioning. Where do I even go?

1:57pm 

Bazaar!!!! :)

2:20pm

Bazaar!

2:42pm

Bazaar...

3:03pm

Bazaar :( let's go. I'm as wet as the ocean and I'm in the middle of a desert. 

3:10pm 

Mashrutka number two of the day. Lets play #GuessHowManyPeopleCanWeFit!

3:19pm

This bridge looks like it's under construction... Traffic narrowed down to one lane each way.

3:19pm

UPDATE: Traffic limited to one lane ONE way... And guess what?? It's not the way we're going 

3:20pm

Whelp. Crossed the bridge. That was my #LifeFlashedBeforeMyEyes moment of the day... 

3:34pm

No I don't speak Russian, but thanks for assuming I do #EveryoneInThisCountry

3:35pm

Ahhhh the daily lecture from random Tajiks about the greatness of the Russian language, how useful,  important it is, etc.

3:37pm

No, I still don't speak Russian. 

3:45pm

Safely out of the car! I would kiss the ground right now if it wasn't full of trash #TajikProblems

3:57pm

Bahahah @JoeCalder fell in the joo!

4:03pm

Two words: air conditioning.

4:44pm

The need to go to the squatty potty can sneak up on one very fast #TajikProblems

4:46pm

Good thing someone left their homework here; I forgot my toilet paper.

5:30pm

Home! Predinner nap!

6:30pm

Anyone awake? I need some help on #CandyCrush

7:00pm

Doing Persian homework after doing Persian class and Persian speaking all day is frustrating. #BrokenBrain

7:40pm

Tajik TV, tho.

7:45pm

Bibijon just asked me why I wasn't married (again). Oh Bibijon... #IfOnlyYouKnew

8:00pm

That time of day when the city is breaking fast. In other words, DEAD SILENT all across the city. #NomNom

8:20pm

The silence only broken by my host brother and father arguing. Daily occurrence, nothing to worry about here folks.

8:40pm

Dinner wrapping up...

8:42pm

...false alarm more food has just arrived!

9:04pm

Host family is really concerned that I don't eat enough. They are easily the only people that think that. #FatKid

9:10pm

My daily argument with my host mom. She refuses to let me even take my dishes into the kitchen. It's no big deal- I have hands! 

9:23pm

Teaching my host brother and the neighbor how to play Rummy!

9:25pm

This isn't going well.

9:30pm

Okay... Rummy unsuccessful. Guess we'll play that Russian card game that they love so much. 

9:31pm

It's called like Kaldrogo or something. Never really sure what's happening in it. #IDontSpeakRussian

9:40pm

I won?! I think the kids I'm playing with are just as surprised as me! 

9:50pm

Fruit plate! Wahoooooooo

10:30pm

Goodnight Twitter, I'm going to bed! 

10:50pm

Cantttttt sleeeeeppppp

11:04pm

So hot. 

11:30pm

Haha this is amazing [RandomLinkHere]

11:45pm

Seriously I need to go to sleep.

11:46pm

Looks like it's supposed to cool down tomorrow- only 105! 

12:00am

I love that there's a hot water heater right next to the toilet! #SaidNoOneEver

12:06am

Immodium: my best friend in Tajikistan #TajikLife

12:15am

Either I'm hallucinating or there's a small earthquake occurring. 

12:35am

Why am I still awake?

Surviving in Dushanbe [A Guide to Everyday Tajik Life]

I intended to be bold with my next post and blog about the role our digestive systems play in our daily lives in Tajikistan, but Barrington beat me to it and has already made a post. (I highly recommend reading that blog post). Instead of talking about poop, I figured I would write a guide explaining all the things you need to know to survive in Tajikistan.

This guide will be complete with useful phrases, tips for getting around, and most importantly the nuggets of information you need to survive here.

Phrases*: 
1) Toilet kujast? (toy-o-let koo-jast): Where is the toilet?
-Did you read Barrington's blog post?

2) Na fameedam (na fah-me-dom): I didn't understand
-Useful for any situation. For example: police officer has you stopped? Na fameedam. Someone is harassing you for money in the street? Na fameedam.

2) Bebakshid (beh-bach-sheed): forgive me (sorry)
-This one is pretty self-explanatory. Most useful when you are trying to get off a bus (think sardine can, then add a few sardines).

3) Ahoste (a-haw-stay): slow(ly)
-Whether you are in a taxi or trying to understand someone talking, you will find ahoste to be your good friend.

4) Chand pul? (chand pool): How much money?
-Prices are negotiable here, but you always want to ask how much money something is before you commit to anything. You also do not even have to know numbers- everyone has a calculator handy and if you point to it they will show you how much they are asking.

5) Khub (khoob): good
-Cat got your tongue? Not sure what is happening in a conversation? Just nod and say khub.

6) Khob (khob): ok
-Use this just as you use khub.

7) Salaam (saw-laam): hello
-Potentially useful.

8) A salaam ale kom (ah saw-laam ah-le comb): hello (to you, and your kin)
-Used interchangeably with salaam.

9) Kebab (ka-bob): meat on a stick
-You have to eat eventually.

10) Juje (joo-jay): chicken
-Interchangeable with morg.

11) Morg (morgh): chicken
-Interchangeable with juje.

12) Gov (gaw-vh): beef/steak
-Remember, cuts of meat are a little different here. Don't get too excited when I say steak.

13) Gusfand (goose-fond): sheep
-Usually cheap and tasty.

*Each phrase is transliterated for my dear friends and family who have no idea how transliteration works. For proper pronounciation, read the words as if you were reading English.

Bathroom Tips:

1) Always know where your nearest toilet is.

2) Always carry toilet paper or baby wipes (baby wipes are preferred; did you read Barrington's post?).

3) Make mental notes of where you are when you see a western toilet. You or your friends will appreciate it later.

4) All toilets (even western ones) have smaller pipes than what we are used to. A good rule of thumb: if it did not come out of your body, do not try and flush it. Follow this rule, and you will save yourself from an awkward conversation (in a foreign language) later on.

5) Take off your pants and underwear before you do your business. You'll thank me later.

Getting around Dushanbe:

1) Wherever you go, note big landmarks around you.

2) When telling a taxi where you want to go, pick the nearest landmark and ask to go there.

3) Always ask the taxi how much money (see above) the ride will be before getting into the cab.

4) Always give taxi drivers as close to the exact fare as possible. They do not like to give change and they may take everything you give them before screaming at you in Russian to get out of their cab.

5) Busses will be hot, may occasionally stop working for minutes at a time, and they will be packed full. Remember you are only paying one somoni (about 20 cents), so no one wants to hear you complain about it.

6) Big spenders can take the "bus-taxis" that follow the bus routes for three somoni (about 60 cents). WARNING: the word ahoste (see above) will not work here.

7) As previously mentioned, crosswalks and street lights are suggestions. Use discretion when crossing the street, but remember that all cars stop for a confident pedestrian crossing the street in Tajikistan.

General Tips:

1) Never assume any internet, anywhere, will be moving faster than a snail (or for that matter, never asssume that it will be working at all).

2) Everyone else is in more of a hurry than you. Taking turns is a nice concept at all, but save it for when you are state-side. If you want to get something done, push your way to the front and tell them what you want done.

3) Unless you are buying something really nice, you should rarely be spending more than 50 somoni ($10) on anything.

4) Prices are negotiable.

5) Always assume you will not be walking on flat ground. Plan accordingly.

6) The availability of hot water during the day varies. Plan accordingly.

7) The world is their trashcan.

8) If you make eye contact, say hello (see above).

9) Know Russian.

10) Coca Coke is significantly more expensive than RC Cola. If you are here for a short time, suck it up and drink the RC Cola for a few weeks. You can get your Coca Cola fix when you return to the states.

Tips for eating out:

1) Almost all resturants have kebabs. If you find yourself at a resturant without a menu (common), go for a kebab (see above).

2) Most meat has bones in it. Keep this in mind when eating meat.

3) Avoid fruits and vegetables (the water here is not so good- you did read Barrington's post right?!).

4) Grapes usually have seeds. Keep this in mind when eating grapes.

5) Avoid water or beer (unless bottled).

6) Checks are not brought until you ask for them. Plan accordingly.

7) Usually people do not tip unless it is a higher-end place. I think waitresses/waiters like us more because we tip, so I say do it if you plan on returning to that resturant.

8) Before passing judgement on the quality of a resturant, wait a day. (I'm only gonna say it one more time: Barrington's post).

--

Alright, well that's all I can come up with for now. Hope you all enjoyed.