The Post-Soviet Chronicles Part 6: Moscow Part 2 -- A Place Where You Can Drunkenly Ride Horses at Night

You should definitely read this first if you haven't, because it's part 1. And this is part 2. So logically you should read part 1 before part 2. So... read it?

Are You Ready for More Churches? GOOD!

...because apparently that's what the Kremlin is? Maybe I'm the only idiot American who was confused and thought the Kremlin was some government building where there were those crazy guards and if you looked for long enough you might see Jason Bourne do some acrobatic stuff and sneak into the building. I really hope I'm not the only one, because it turns out the Kremlin has a government building but is actually more like a bunch of churches in a really small square together.

"You shall not pass!"

Why You Should Always Have a Snickers on Hand

I know what you're thinking: "Another blog post about soup?!" but wait. Hear me out.

Tonight I tried to cook soup.

The night began with me, being lazy, and not having any bottled water around (which, unfortunately prevents me from doing most of the cooking I'm capable of). So, after some arguments with my stomach I finally forced myself to walk the ten minutes down the road to go to the store. I had been wanting to make a soup for awhile, I figured it was easy, and should be tasty.

Is 4 meters enough?

My quest of late has been trying to become a real person in life. The list is long, and surprisingly more difficult than you'd imagine, especially when you're living la vida broke. I wanted to share with you the recent things I've accomplished (no small victories, I assure you) and some of those goals still on my list.

Recent Successes 

1) Bought a shower curtain. I guess this is technically a "kind of" success. I should start by saying that there are a number of bazaars in the city and a number of them way the heck outside the city. Well I did not find a shower curtain at the bazaar five minutes from my house, nor at the bazaar five minutes from my work. This meant that I had to go to one of the dreaded bazaars way outside the city. Horrible. So I finally managed to get to one and I found shower curtains. 

I remember arguing with myself beforehand and saying "you should measure, just so you make sure you don't get something too short." But that entailed a whole other issue-- what the heck was I going to measure with?! So I gauged it up and the salesmen at the bazaar proceeded to tell me that this shower curtain bar (you know the thing that holds up the curtain) goes up to 4 meters! Okay. Sure. Sounds like enough to me. 

Except it wasn't. Or rather it was too much. Turns out my shower must be incredibly undersized because I had up beat the bar into place with my fancy tool (the "hand hammer") and even now it's slightly askew and immovable one way or the other. 

At least now I'm not spraying water all over the bathroom when I shower...?

The Snickers Shortage

MAYHEM! PANIC! HORROR IN THE STREETS OF DUSHANBE!

It all started last week when I went to get a Snickers. As many of my Dushanbe friends already know, Snickers is part of my insanely healthy diet in Tajikistan. Often times, it provides me my only nutrition for the day (forgetting to eat happens to me more than you'd believe...). Well imagine my surprise when I went to my local store and they had no Snickers. This place usually has a full wall of the stuff-- now; zero! What the heck?!

So then I go to another store maybe the next day and again; no Snickers. So I confront the store owner (it was a much smaller/family operated store) and he seemed to have mentioned something about one of the suppliers no longer bringing them in. Now, I wasn't so sure I understood so I just chalked it up as inconvenience... well that is until yesterday.

Livin' La Vida Broke

I figure I need to get this blog post out before my bank account has something more than $4 in it (thanks mom!) so I wanted to dedicate this post to livin' the broke life in Dushanbe (which has been my last week or so).

1) Mumkin ast? (Is it possible) This is what you will find yourself asking while simultaneously apologizing as you hand your poor marshrutka driver thirty 10-diram (think cents) coins. 

2) Take your bubblegum and put it where... err. Common practice in Tajik stores (and I mean little family shops, medium sized stores, and chain supermarkets) is to give bubblegum sticks or teabags as change. So for example if  my bill is 4 somoni and 70 diram, giving a 5 somoni bill will result in a stuck of bubblegum for change. Needless to say, I've had to pester the cashiers at a few stores for my dirams instead of bubblegum.

3) Hey bacha, diram te! (Hey kid, give me my diram!) As previously discussed, all buses in Dushanbe are equipped with a small Tajik boy (#8 in the 'Getting Around...' section). The price for buses is technically 60 diram, but everyone pays 1 somoni usually. You can usually get your 40 diram from the bus-bacha if you tell him to give it you though.

Have you ever actually seen/eaten a pomegranate?

Didn't think so.

The whole conversation started when I was at Baha's house for his birthday on Wednesday. On the table was a fruit I hadn't seen before. It almost looked like a red onion. I asked what it was, and as usual, the only word they could muster up was the Russian word.

Which of course was a Russianized pronounciation of grenade.

Grenade. Well I can't use a translator for that!

So eventually I got Baha to cut one open and it turns out it's the strangest fruit I've ever seen in my life. Super tasty, yes. But weird.

Take a look:

The inside walls of the fruit are lined with squishy red kernels (yes, like corn kernel). You pick them out and eat them. I wasn't sure if there were seeds, because the inside was a little hard but it would literally dissolve in your mouth relatively fast.

Anyways. First experience with a pomegranate. Maybe I'm the only person who didn't know they were like this- you can mock me if this is the case.

Otherwise I'm sure you're dying to know the Persian word for pomegranate, so I'll stop torturing you. 

It's anar.

Worse Stove: Dushanbe or College?

Aaaaaanddddd let the debate begin!

When I was living with my roommates in college, I often complained about how bad our stove was (seriously, 15 minutes to boil a pot of water NOT EXAGGERATING). But now I may have met an even worse enemy: an electric stove in Tajikistan.

Now, many of problems may just because it's electric (seriously, how you make an incompetent cook more incompetent reason #2: give him an electric stove when he's used to a gas stove) but oh boy.

Here was the plan: roast some garlic/oil in a pan, throw in pasta sauce after roasting and heat the sauce up a little.

Here is how it went down: throw some garlic in a pan. Wait FOREVER while it was on low setting. Garlic doesn't roast. Turn up to the medium setting. BOOM GARLIC IS ROASTING AND BURNING. Okay. So then it's like. I know I can't add the sauce to the pan while it's this hot... so I turned off the burner and moved the pot off it for a few minutes. Finally think it's cool enough to add the sauce, and I do, and then it's like. Instantly burned sauce. Awesome.

It's that electric-tea-pot-kettle-thing!

Social Life Update #1

Well it was off to a bit of a slow start (I slept A LOT when I first got here), but I've finally started going out and meeting up with friends in the city.

Unfortunately I'm a little bit out of the city, and so sometimes late at night it can be expensive (okay... Tajik expensive) to get back to my place. And by late I mean Tajik late, which is like 9pm.

Last night one of the employees who works in the international relations office (Qosimjon) invited me to try 'kebab Khujandi' with him. Khujand is the northern province in the country (where he is from) and apparently they have their own unique food. So after a bit of a commute to the completely opposite side of the city, we found ourselves at a nice little restaurant and ordered up some Khujand Kebabs.

I would say they weren't horrible... but I'm not ever sure I'm going to like fatty meat as much as the Tajiks. The kebab was basically a ground beef + onion shish kebab (for my readers who know Iranian food think kebab khoobideh-esque) and a lot of chunks of fat. It had a good taste but, seriously, I was pulling that stuff out of my mouth every bite. Qosimjon said next time I can ask them to put less fat in...

Anyways, it's actually a lot of fun to hang out with him (and some other people here) because their English is pretty good. Our conversations are really interesting (and useful?) because we pretty regularly switch between English and Tajik. It's like one second we're explaining something in Tajik and then the next we're saying the other half in English.

Saturday I met a bunch of Brits (among others) and had a really fantastic time hanging out with them. They're all learning Persian here for a month and it will be fun to hang out with them and help them practice their language.

I'm kind of just rambling now so I'll stop there. Nothing too funny to report today (sorrrrrrry). Also did you all notice how many parenthesis I used in this post? No idea why, lol.

I Might Be Eating Russian Ramen for the Foreseeable Future

Yeah so we know I'm not the best cook in the world. Couple that with being in this country and I may be in more trouble than I thought!

I went shopping today. The major plus was that the people at the checkout line really loved my reusable Chicago Cubs' bags (thanks mom!). The major minus was... well a lot!

You know what makes a bad chef worse? Having to read names of things or instructions in a language you don't understand (by the way that's Russian, in case you haven't read any of my other blogs).

So this should be fun. I managed to purchase a lot of pasta only to realize I have no idea what I'm going to put on top of it. Is tomato paste the same as pasta sauce? Because the pasta sauce I found was OUT OF THIS WORLD expensive. 

So the good news is I can buy a bunch of Russian knock-off Ramen-ish noodles for like under a dollar each. I'll let you know how those taste when I manage to figure out how to make them.

I know I've been a bad blogger, as this is my first post since arriving Monday, but I can assure you the only thing I've done is sleep and run around the city in an attempt to get my in-country registration complete.

Hopefully I can figure this food thing out soon. Maybe I'll ask one of the Iranians I know here to teach me how to cook Iranian food! 

(I don't think I'll be asking my Tajik friends, no offense!)

Anyways. Aside from my inability to cook, everything is going really well. The people in the international office who I have been working with are fantastic, and I can't wait to finally get started!

Going home? Here's the 'to-do' list

Appropriate blog posts when you're T-48 hours Stateside? Talk about the things I'm most excited for back in the US. It also takes extra special meaning when I only have a month to enjoy! This post is far from complaints- I really do like it here in Tajikistan- but there are some things you just can't get here!

Food

Food deserves a separate heading because, well, I'm a fat kid. If you're uninterested in reading about what I'll be dining on when I get home, you can also conveniently skip over this section.

1) Portillo's

-I'm sure this comes as no surprise. And really there's not much to be said here.

2) Pizza 

-Duh.

3) Deep Dish 

-Duh.

4) Spicy giardinaira

-Hordes of it. I will put it on everything. Seriously. Everything. 

5) Chipotle

-Extra carnitas, please. Can I get bacon with that too?

Worst Blogger Ever? Birthday Special

Hey everyone. Horribly sorry that I'm apparently the worst blogger ever. I haven't had any great ideas for posts and I keep postponing posts for the next day... BUT today I'll actually grace you alI with some of my writing/rambling.

Anyways. As some of you may know, I turned 22 last Wednesday (July 31st). So far I'd have to say that the age of 22 is pretty unexciting... I can't do anything that I couldn't do last year!

The morning was the best morning I've had here- mostly thanks to a card shaped like a toilet from my mom and orange juice. yes. orange juice. I scoured the city the day before to find orange juice, because I really just wanted to wake up on my birthday and drink OJ. Let me tell you, it was the best decision I've made here! 

The day was pretty dull and miserably hot (more on that later). The class I teach English to sang happy birthday for me, so that was cool. And I got to tell everyone that we were doing what I wanted because it was my birthday. That was cool too.

'Live Tweeting' a Day in the Dush

After discussing with some friends (Joe and Eric- whose blogs are conveniently located on the right), I came up with an idea to "live tweet" a day in the life in Dushanbe. Accordingly I went through my day and recorded a few things that happen (and that happen regularly). For those of my readers who aren't familiar with twitter (grandma, I'm talking about you) I recommend reading up on the basics.

Anyways, the live tweeting includes time stamps and all tweets are within the 140 character limit. Those of you that follow me on twitter as well may recognize a few of these tweets. Enjoy! :)

Oh yeah also you should know what Candy Crush is.

6:50am

Nothing like waking up to the sound's of your family's pet prehistoric-bird. Seriously; pterodactyl + chicken = this thing 

7:00am

Bathroom time in the US: >5 minutes

Bathroom time in Tajikistan: <5 minutes

#OneOfThoseDays #JKEveryday

7:05am

WATER PRESSURE WOULD BE GREAT. #ItsLikeALightDrizzle

7:34am

Rapid succession police sirens down Rudaki Ave. No worries, just the taxi driving gang with their after-market [legal] sirens #GoodMorning

7:40am

Twenty minutes for breakfast AKA twenty minutes spent waiting for my tea to cool down #Sweatin

8:00am

All I can think while brushing my teeth is "don't swallow the water, don't swallow the water" #SickForDays

8:10am

Why does this one stretch of my daily walk ALWAYS smell like feces? #HoldinMyNose

8:11am

The crosswalk which gives me a green light to cross for 10 seconds and no one stops #DeadmanWalkin

8:23am

The daily struggle to ask for water WITHOUT gas continues 

8:30am

The hottest classroom (with air conditioning) award goes to... #Drumroll

8:30am

MY CLASSROOM. I get to sit in this stagnant room for the next four hours and SWEAT

8:35am

Already soaked. #SexyAndIKnowIt

9:20am

Break! Candy Crush time.

9:23am

I have a ten minute break and my teacher keeps talking to me <<<<<<<

#LeaveMeBe #BrainBreakRequired

9:30am

Now that the "break" has concluded... on to some story I absolutely do not understand. 

10:00am

Legitimately think that story is in a language other than Persian #TryAgainProfessor 

10:19am

Breakkkkkkkk. Going to the "Wild Dragon Shack" for a bag of chips and a snickers... All for a dollar. 

10:31am

Sorry prof, don't mind while I just sit here and chomp on my chips super loudly #NomNom

11:04am

Tajik is seriously like another language. It is NOT Iranian Farsi lol #CyrillicBeLikeHuh

11:21am

So hungry. Need food. One more hour.

11:28am

FINALLY BEAT THIS LEVEL ON CANDY CRUSH #CandyCrushinForDays

11:49am

When you're sitting in class talking about how to say all kinds of fruits in Tajik AND YOU'RE STARVING #ThatStuffIDontLike

12:20pm

Lunchhhhhhh nowwwwww.

12:21pm 

And so commences the daily debate: sketchy (and cheap) Russian cafe or the Iranian restaurant. 

12:27pm

Justice prevails! Onward to the tasty Iranian food (Paniz).

12:37pm

Waiting for the bus means telling 27 mashrutkas that you're waiting for the bus #TheHustle

12:43pm

We're on the bus with the air freshener! If only there was more than one and it wasn't 110 out... #StinkSession

12:50pm

Paniz! Paniz! Paniz! 

12:51pm

Tajik waitresses that don't speak Iranian Farsi at the Iranian restaurant #RiddleMeThat 

1:10pm

Stuffed. God I love Iranian food.

1:12pm

We always say we want to "do something" but then we walk outside and we're like... Lets go to the place with air conditioning #TajikProblems

1:15pm

REVISION: we have decided to go to the bazaar.

1:17pm 

We put our hand out on the side of the road and every single car pulled over and tried to pick us up. #MashrutkaTime

1:36pm

How many people do you think the driver is going to pick up?

1:45pm

Answer: 19. 19 people. In a van. No air conditioning. Where do I even go?

1:57pm 

Bazaar!!!! :)

2:20pm

Bazaar!

2:42pm

Bazaar...

3:03pm

Bazaar :( let's go. I'm as wet as the ocean and I'm in the middle of a desert. 

3:10pm 

Mashrutka number two of the day. Lets play #GuessHowManyPeopleCanWeFit!

3:19pm

This bridge looks like it's under construction... Traffic narrowed down to one lane each way.

3:19pm

UPDATE: Traffic limited to one lane ONE way... And guess what?? It's not the way we're going 

3:20pm

Whelp. Crossed the bridge. That was my #LifeFlashedBeforeMyEyes moment of the day... 

3:34pm

No I don't speak Russian, but thanks for assuming I do #EveryoneInThisCountry

3:35pm

Ahhhh the daily lecture from random Tajiks about the greatness of the Russian language, how useful,  important it is, etc.

3:37pm

No, I still don't speak Russian. 

3:45pm

Safely out of the car! I would kiss the ground right now if it wasn't full of trash #TajikProblems

3:57pm

Bahahah @JoeCalder fell in the joo!

4:03pm

Two words: air conditioning.

4:44pm

The need to go to the squatty potty can sneak up on one very fast #TajikProblems

4:46pm

Good thing someone left their homework here; I forgot my toilet paper.

5:30pm

Home! Predinner nap!

6:30pm

Anyone awake? I need some help on #CandyCrush

7:00pm

Doing Persian homework after doing Persian class and Persian speaking all day is frustrating. #BrokenBrain

7:40pm

Tajik TV, tho.

7:45pm

Bibijon just asked me why I wasn't married (again). Oh Bibijon... #IfOnlyYouKnew

8:00pm

That time of day when the city is breaking fast. In other words, DEAD SILENT all across the city. #NomNom

8:20pm

The silence only broken by my host brother and father arguing. Daily occurrence, nothing to worry about here folks.

8:40pm

Dinner wrapping up...

8:42pm

...false alarm more food has just arrived!

9:04pm

Host family is really concerned that I don't eat enough. They are easily the only people that think that. #FatKid

9:10pm

My daily argument with my host mom. She refuses to let me even take my dishes into the kitchen. It's no big deal- I have hands! 

9:23pm

Teaching my host brother and the neighbor how to play Rummy!

9:25pm

This isn't going well.

9:30pm

Okay... Rummy unsuccessful. Guess we'll play that Russian card game that they love so much. 

9:31pm

It's called like Kaldrogo or something. Never really sure what's happening in it. #IDontSpeakRussian

9:40pm

I won?! I think the kids I'm playing with are just as surprised as me! 

9:50pm

Fruit plate! Wahoooooooo

10:30pm

Goodnight Twitter, I'm going to bed! 

10:50pm

Cantttttt sleeeeeppppp

11:04pm

So hot. 

11:30pm

Haha this is amazing [RandomLinkHere]

11:45pm

Seriously I need to go to sleep.

11:46pm

Looks like it's supposed to cool down tomorrow- only 105! 

12:00am

I love that there's a hot water heater right next to the toilet! #SaidNoOneEver

12:06am

Immodium: my best friend in Tajikistan #TajikLife

12:15am

Either I'm hallucinating or there's a small earthquake occurring. 

12:35am

Why am I still awake?

Surviving in Dushanbe [A Guide to Surviving Everday Tajik Life] Part 2

With another month under my belt in Dushanbe, I thought it only appropriate to expand on my initial tips for survival in Dushanbe. Hopefully someday these guides will properly prepare you for your trip to Tajikistan (because you definitely plan on coming here, right?!).

Phrases*:

1) Negah darid (neg-ah dar-eed): stop here
-This mostly comes in handy when you are on a bus and you've just cruised passed your stop (hey it happens!) or you're in a shared bus-taxi and you need to get out immediately. Or if you're just completely sure your driver is going to get you killed.

2) Quiamat ast! (ghee-a-mat ast): That's expensive!
-If you've been paying attention, by now you should know how to ask how much something in and determine prices. Now the next step is playing the haggling game. What better way to start then expressing your concern at the overpriced knock-off Adidas gear?!

3) Takfif darid? (tak-feef dar-eed): Do you have a discount?
-Always a great follow-up to claiming something is expensive, merchants will always be willing to give you a discount to bring down the price.

4) Ob-e Be Gaz (aw-bee bay gaz): water without gas
-It's 100-110 degrees every day. You're going to need to buy water (because trust me, you're not drinking the tap water). I don't know about you all, but that water with gas is basically not even water. Hence, the usefulness of this phrase.

5) Shahar (sha-har) and ruz (rooz): city and day
-So you're thinking how could the words city and day possible be 1) useful and 2) related? Well remember, Dushanbe literally translates to Monday... so you have to be ready to distinguish between what Dushanbe you're referring to. You'd hate to tell someone you'll meet them in Dushanbe at the library and be stuck waiting there until Monday.

6) Ob Bazi Konam (aw-b baw-zee co-nom): I want to play with water
-This phrase is obviously multipurpose. Dirty? In need of a shower? Done. Hot? Want to cool off in a glacier-water pool? Check. Nostalgic? Want to hop in the hose and relive those childhood memories? No problem. This phrase is for you. Not sure how to differentiate between uses? Join the club.

7) Piva (pee-va): beer
-Do I really even need to say anything?

*For my non-Persian speaking readers, read the words in parenthesis as if it were English for proper pronunciation.

Bathroom Tips:

1) All previous bathroom tips are worth re-reading, but this one particular point deserves a re-posting:
NEVER EVER EVER expect ANY location to have toilet paper/last week's homework. Thus, you should always carry baby wipes.

Getting Around Dushanbe:

1) Walking? Remember to "Mind the Joo".
-This catchy little phrase is very important, and while it may seem anti-Semitic from the onset I can assure you it's not. Dushanbe has something that vaguely resembles a sewer system, however it is not concealed like the systems in the US. So essentially, along the side of EVERY road (on both sides of the road) is a small trench that is two feet deep. In Persian, the word for stream is "joo" and so the logic follows quickly: "mind the joo" else you'll end up with a sprained ankle (or worse, a sprained ankle covered in sewage).


2) Cross with a Tajik
-If you're afraid to cross the street you have good reason. There's no shame in waiting for a local to come and crossing the street with them. Just follow them closely and you *should* be safe.


3) Cross like a Tajik
-When crossing the street, even at stoplights, be advised that a clear time to walk may never exist. In times like this you may be required to walk like a Tajik. That is, cross one lane of traffic at a time. As one might imagine, you may be doing this more often than not if you are taking the above advice into consideration.


4) The daily routine
-A fact of Tajik life is that once a day your life will flash before your eyes. 99 times out of 100, this comes as part of your daily commute in some bus-taxi or taxi. I've seen a surprisingly little amount of accidents here in the city, but it doesn't make what's happening in the car any less scary!


5) The Mysterious Mashrutka Numbers
-So there's busses and bus-taxis (mashrutkas). The mashrutkas follow the same route as the busses and, while they are a little more pricey, they're usually faster and more comfortable. Common bus/mashrutkas routes are the 1, 2, 3, and 8. There's a few less common ones, and then there's a few that I'm pretty sure just don't have a bus counterpart. The million dollar question: where do these mysterious mashrutkas go? As 67s, 16s,12s, and others pass you by, you'll certainly ask yourself (and even Tajiks) this question. But the real answer is, no one really knows where they go.


6) On the topic of Mashrutkas...
-This also applies to your regular taxis, but car drivers are particularly sensitive about only one part of their car: the doors. When getting in and out of cars, be sure to be ultra-careful while shutting the door. Really, the art of Tajik Door Shutting is kind of impossible; one must shut the door in such a way that it actually, well, closes... but with literally no more force than that. If the door makes too loud of a shutting sound, you're going to get an earful from your driver about shutting the door slowly and respecting his car!


7) On the topic of entering/exiting vehicles...
-Bus or car, it's worthwhile to mention that the appropriate time to enter/exit a vehicle may not be readily apparent. Most of us are probably used to a car or bus coming to a complete stop before entering or exiting occurs. In Tajikistan, the appropriate time is of course any speed below 20km/hr.


8) Flag 'em down!
-Here in Dushanbe, each bus is equipped with a small Tajik boy (sometimes a teenager) who collects fairs. If you are down the road and the bus is departing, you can wave down the fair-collector or bus driver and they will usually wait for you. This is pretty awesome! If you're a straggler catching up to a departing bus, tip number seven is particularly relevant information for you. Also if you're cool enough, busses will stop at non-bus stops to pick you up.


General Tips


1) Street Vendors are hit-or-miss
-This is pretty self-explanatory but it's worth mentioning. Some street vendor food is going to ruin your life for the next few days, while others won't give you the slightest issue. Moral of the story: eating street vendor food is like playing Russian Roulette with diarrhea.


2) Giant Asian Hornets
-Despite what locals say, these things definitely sting. And they're probably the scariest insect I've ever come face to face with. Mind your P's and Q's when these things are around.


3) Hate flys? Bring your own swatter
-Fly swatters, despite the high population of flies, are in low demand in Tajikistan. I've been hard pressed to find one here, so my advice is that if you despise flies you should bring your own swatter on the plane over.


4) Do all internet-related activities prior to coming here
-Seriously, do them in a country that actually has functioning internet.


5) The Hyatt Business Lunch
-One, two, or three course meal. Unlimited drinks (lemonade, iced tea, coffee, etc.). Amazing food (I had duck curry today). Reasonable price (for the US). One course meal is going to run you 55 som (==$11.32), two course meal is 65 som (==$13.37), three course meal is 75 som (==$15.43). Go for the two course, get the dessert. You'll be happy.


6) Small bills. Small bills. Small bills.
-Tajik Somoni can be broken down into 1, 3, 5, 10, 20, 50, 100, 200, and 500 dollar bills. The game you will be constantly playing in Tajikistan is "Where can I break this bill?". You always want to have a 1 or 3 on hand (remember, busses are 1 som & mashrutkas are 3) because they probably won't be able/willing to break a 10 or anything larger. Smaller scale stores usually won't be able to break larger bills either, so always try to use your largest bill and save the precious small ones until you have to use it!


7) Chicago? Chicago Bulls? Michael Jordan?!
-All Tajiks know Michael Jordan. In fact, it's the only consistent knowledge any Tajiks have in regards to Chicago.